The Compassion We Save for Everyone ElseNew Blog Post

One of the things I see in almost every client I work with, and something I recognise clearly from my own years in senior leadership, is how good we are at supporting the people around us.

We coach our colleagues well. We encourage them when they doubt themselves. We notice when someone is carrying too much and gently tell them to ease off.

We are patient and considerate with the people we lead, often without even trying.

Then we apply a completely different set of rules to ourselves.

We postpone the walk. We move the appointment. We tell ourselves we will rest once everything is finished.

Everything is rarely finished.

There is always one more email, one more conversation, one more problem that feels as though it needs our attention right now. Working around the clock stops feeling like a choice and starts to feel like the baseline. After a while, switching off becomes hard, even when the work is done and there is nothing left to action that day.

Why we hold ourselves to a different standard

I think there is an expectation that comes with running or leading something. We start to believe we should be all things to all people.

When I was leading, first as a Principal and later as CEO, I believed I should be the person who could solve every problem and absorb every difficulty without letting it touch anyone else. I held myself to the same standard at home. I wanted to be there for my children, and if I'm honest, my marriage came further down the list than it should have.

There was nothing left over for me.

For women who are used to being the person everyone else relies on, this pattern is easy to fall into and surprisingly hard to see while you're living inside it. Being needed can feel like proof that you're doing your job well. It can also make it difficult to admit that you have needs of your own. This is closely tied to what I call the Overgiver pattern, one of the five protective patterns I see again and again in leadership.

Looking after yourself changes how you lead

What is central to everything I do now is a simple understanding: looking after yourself is part of supporting other people well.

You need to be emotionally, mentally and physically well enough to pause, think and respond with care. Without that capacity, even an experienced leader ends up reacting from exhaustion instead of leading from judgement.

This did not change for me neatly or all at once. I had to start treating time for movement, reflection and rest as part of how I led, rather than something to consider once everyone else's needs had been met. There was, of course, always someone else who needed something. Waiting for a completely clear diary, or a week without problems, was never going to work. Those weeks do not exist for most people carrying real responsibility.

When I talk about this with clients, guilt is usually the first thing that shows up. Their inner critic tells them they're not doing enough, that they should push harder, be more available, give a little more of themselves.

Yet they would never speak to a colleague that way. They would never tell someone they cared about that rest had to be earned, or that an appointment for their own health could always wait.

The compassion is already there. We simply keep directing all of it outward.

A question worth asking yourself

Where in your life are you more compassionate towards other people than you are towards yourself? What would it actually look like this week to treat yourself with the same care you offer the people you lead?

The answers are usually found in small decisions, not big ones.

Putting yourself back on the list

Self-compassion can sound soft. In practice, it often takes a firm choice.

It might mean keeping the appointment you would normally cancel. It might mean stopping before every task is finished, or resting without first building a case for why you've earned it.

Think about the last thing you postponed for yourself. A walk. A medical appointment. An hour with a book.

Put it back in your diary this week as a fixed commitment, not something that disappears the moment somebody else needs you.

You do not need to stop caring for other people. You may simply need to include yourself among the people worthy of that care.

Ways to work with me

This pattern, giving endless compassion outward and very little inward, is one of the things I work through with clients regularly, both in one-to-one coaching and inside the Resta Forte Leadership Academy, my ten-month group programme for women in leadership.

If you recognise yourself in this, the simplest next step is a free 30-minute introductory call. No pressure, no pitch, just a conversation about where you are and whether the work would help.

Book a free introductory call →

Find out more about the Resta Forte Leadership Academy→

About Johanna Urquhart

Johanna Urquhart is a leadership coach, mentor and the founder of Resta Forte. With 25 years of senior leadership experience including 12 years as a school Principal, she supports leaders to step fully into their leadership, expand their influence and make a meaningful impact, while continuing to nurture their health, relationships and sense of self.